How Do You Know If You're Practicing Bad Parenting?

What is “bad parenting”?

Sometimes it’s obvious when a parent is causing harm to a child. Physical abuse, neglect, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse are the most serious and damaging parent behaviors that most of us equate with bad parenting. These require immediate professional help for the child’s safety.

Outside professionals and child protective services may be involved, and the child will likely need mental health services to process and begin to cope with the trauma they have experienced. Parents may be charged with a crime, and will likely receive mental health services as well.

But these are the extremes of obviously harmful parenting.

Beyond child abuse and neglect, there are other things that parents may do or say that can, even unintentionally, lead to adverse outcomes for a child.

If your behavior negatively impacts your child’s emotional, psychological, or physical well-being, that’s harmful. Recognizing when or if you’re behavior has become harmful is the first step to learning better ways to respond to your child and knowing when you may need to step away or find support.

What are some common parenting behaviors that may be causing harm?

Sometimes it may be difficult to recognise when your parenting choices may be harmful. Here are a few instances when even well-meaning parenting may be hurtful.

Over or under-involvement

On one end, you have the uninvolved parent who is neglectful and fails to respond to their child’s basic needs like shelter, food, and clothing. For example, a child who is often hungry and no food is available to them, or a child who is not bathed or who routinely has no clean clothes to wear to school.

While not as damaging as a neglectful style, an over involved parent, sometimes called a helicopter parent, can also cause more harm than good by taking control of decisions and doing too much for their child, hindering them from learning how to make decisions for themselves. For example, constantly supervising your child when he or she is working on a school project and making corrections to their work.

Little or no discipline

According to Sharron Frederick, LCSW, psychotherapist at Clarity Health Solutions, children who have little or no discipline are left to fend for themselves, which can result in injuries and create a child who does not understand boundaries.

“Children look to parents to define what boundaries are and the consequences that can occur if the child crosses those boundaries,” she says.

Strict or rigid discipline

Unlike parents who enforce little to no discipline, Frederick says parents who practice strict or rigid discipline or an authoritarian parenting style do not allow their children to explore their world. This type of parenting often leads to a child who becomes fearful, anxious, or rebellious.

In this style of parenting, the rules must be followed exactly as stated, and consequences are often extreme, swift, and unyielding. For example, if a child breaks a rule, a beloved toy may be destroyed or thrown away. There is often no room for a child to help create rules or amend them to fit a unique circumstance. This style of parenting leaves children feeling powerless.

Withdrawing affection and attention

“Ignoring a child is telling them that your love is conditional,” says Frederick. Withdrawing affection because a child does not do what they are told causes similar harm.

“These types of behaviors can cause a child to have low self-esteem and low confidence, which can result in a child not expressing their wants and needs,” she says.

Over time, Frederick says this can lead to co-dependency, in which the child will adapt to how they feel a person wants them to act. “Many times, this can lead to relationships that are abusive,” she adds.

Shaming

Whether in public or private, children who are continually shamed can develop issues with perfection and a fear of failure. This can lead to depression or anxiety. Yelling at a child, criticizing them, or hitting them are all examples of shaming behaviors that are harmful to children.

What are the effects of parenting behaviors that may cause harm?

Children without positive parenting are more at risk for their own relationship troubles, depression, anxiety, and aggression, among other negative outcomes.

The effects below are the result of ongoing and consistent patterns of negative parental behavior and can create extremely stressful situations for children. Things like frequent criticism or physical violence from a parent may create one or more of the following in a child.

Negative self-perception

A parenting misstep that can have lasting consequences is the overuse of negative labels and shaming.

“Consistent use of negative labels such as name-calling deeply impacts a child’s sense of self and contributes to long-standing negative self-narratives and self-fulfilling prophecies,” according to Dana Dorfman, PhD, psychotherapist.

She says shame is a powerful and paralyzing emotion that becomes deeply embedded in the psyche and sense of self. Given its strength, Dorfman says many people, including parents, engender it to deter negative behavior or motivate toward positive behaviors.

However, when shaming and negative labeling become a common tactic, Dorfman says children then begin to internalize and embody these negative messages.

“They learn to speak to themselves the way they have been spoken to — perpetuating negative feelings and becoming harshly self-critical,” she explains.

In the long term, people with negative self-perceptions often seek relationships that reinforce the messages they’re accustomed to hearing.

Control issues and rebellion

Children who experience overly rigid or strict discipline can have issues with control of others, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and other anxious behaviors, together with the mindset that the world is dangerous, according to Frederick.

On the other end of the spectrum is the rebellious child who fights with their parents, breaks the rules, and engages in negative behaviors.

Emotional and behavioral problems

Harsh parenting includes verbal or physical threats, frequent yelling, and hitting, along with immediate negative consequences for a specific behavior. According to an older 2014 study, this parenting behavior can lead to children having emotional and behavioral issues, such as aggressiveness and difficulty following directions at school.

A 2024 study of adolescents found that harsh parental discipline predicts both internalized difficulties, such as anxiety and depression, and externalized problem behavior, such as aggression and behavioral violations in adolescents.

What can you do to stop parenting behavior that is harmful?

Although negative parenting behaviors can put children at risk, it’s not the only factor that determines outcomes.

Even parents with a positive style of discipline and interaction can have children who experience behavioral or emotional issues. Just like a single bad day doesn’t make you a bad parent, doing the best you can doesn’t mean that your child will never have problems. And that’s OK.

Parenting is an ongoing process, and it’s often challenging. If you’ve struggled thanks to less-than-ideal examples from your own parents, it might feel even harder. But you can work to overcome the negative messages you’ve been taught and build a healthy relationship with your own children.

Your own parents may not have been good role models, but you can find support and positive encouragement in other parents to create your own parenting path.

If you fall into bad parenting habits more often than you’d like, remember that you are capable of making changes.

Finding support and revamping your parenting style can require patience, honesty, and a lot of hard work. The good news is it’s never too late to start. Any positive change you make can result in a better outcome for your child. Here are some tips to help you focus on the positive.

Here are suggestions for ways to develop more positive parenting skills and create a better relationship with your child.

Listen to your child’s thoughts and feelings

We all want to be heard. And although we do not always agree with what others say, Frederick says we all need someone to listen to us.

When it comes to your kids, she says to hear their concerns and frustrations, validate their feelings, and explain that they have a right to be angry — but not to act out, like throwing their crayons across the room. Instead, provide alternatives for them for different emotions.

Provide appropriate consequences

When using discipline, Frederick says it’s critical to provide consequences that teach your child a positive lesson. “Hitting a child teaches them nothing about consequences, and can result in resentment and anger, together with that child going to school and hitting other children,” she says.

Instead, try using a rewards chart or have them earn time doing something they enjoy. When taking something away, do not take it away for a week; instead, take it away for the afternoon. Make sure that the consequence is suitable for the behavior you’re correcting and the age of the child.

Label the behavior, not the child

“If parents want to ‘label,’ they should make sure that they’re labeling behavior, not character,” says Dorfman. For example, when a child is acting out, remind them that it’s the behavior of a bully, rather than saying, “You ARE a bully.”

Don’t withhold attention

We all get angry with our children, but Frederick says ignoring them only confuses a child. “Explain that you are angry, and although you are angry with them, you still love them,” she explains.

If you need a moment, try putting them in a timeout — a good rule of thumb is one minute for every year of age they are — and calm down. Take the time to collect your thoughts and process your feelings.

Show love and affection

Displaying love and affection means more than just telling your child that you love them. It also comes from supporting and accepting your child, being physically affectionate, and spending quality time together.

Let them make mistakes

Life is messy, so let your children explore being creative and making mistakes, without shaming or criticizing. When they make a mistake, ask your child, “What could you have done differently?”

Use your own mistakes as an opportunity to show them that learning never stops and that we can all have our bad days. Admitting when you’ve made a mistake, apologizing, and trying to improve is good for everyone.

Takeaway 

Being a parent is emotionally challenging. It’s also a huge responsibility that requires patience, consistency, love, compassion, and understanding.

We all have days when we worry about our parenting choices. We love our kiddos so much, it’s natural to only want the best for them.

Remember that you’re learning as you go, and every day is a chance to start fresh. With the right tools and with patience for our children — and ourselves — we can all choose to be the parent we want to be.

Also, remember that we all need support — some days more than others. If you’re feeling stretched or overly stressed, seek help, guidance, advice, and perspectives from friends, colleagues, family, or mental health professionals whom you trust and respect.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Hang in there — you’ve got this!