Emotional dependence involves relying on your partner to meet the majority or all of your needs. When you experience distress, you might look to them immediately before trying to manage your emotions yourself.

In a romantic relationship, you might turn to your partner for this support first. It’s common to look to partners for emotional support and guidance, especially in a long-term relationship.

Emotional dependence, however, passes the point of support.

Most romantic partners depend on each other to some extent. But when you need your partner to meet all of your emotional needs, you’re may not doing much to meet those needs on your own.

This total reliance on another person can eventually take a toll on your relationship and overall well-being

Emotional dependence occurs when you can’t fulfill your needs on your own, and so you reach a partner to fulfill the majority or all of them for you.

Feeling as if you can’t live without their emotional support can suggest your relationship has veered toward an unhealthy level of dependence.

Other key signs of emotional dependence include:

  • an idealized view of your partner or the relationship
  • the belief your life lacks meaning without them
  • the belief you can’t find happiness or security alone
  • a persistent fear of rejection
  • a constant need for reassurance
  • feelings of emptiness and anxiety when spending time alone
  • needing them to build your self-esteem, confidence, and self-worth
  • feelings of jealousy or possessiveness
  • difficulty trusting in their feelings for you

Trouble meeting your own emotional needs can significantly impact your romantic relationships, and the effects can also extend to other areas of life.

Relationship problems

For the most part, emotional dependence doesn’t pave the way toward healthy relationships.

Emotionally dependent people typically need a lot of reassurance and support from their partners.

You might, for example, regularly ask things like:

  • “Do you love me?”
  • “Am I bothering you?”
  • “Do you really want to spend time with me?”
  • “How do I look?”
  • “You don’t want to break up, do you?”

If you often experience feelings of insecurity or self-doubt, you might need their approval to feel good about yourself. This need can trigger fears of what might happen if they leave or stop providing the reassurance you need.

These fears of abandonment can, in turn, lead to attempts to control their behavior to hold on to them.

Stress

Dependence in relationships also often involves some level of emotional distress.

Constant, low-grade worry about the future of your relationship and your partner’s feelings for you can make you feel anxious and uneasy. When you aren’t together, you might spend most of your time worrying about what they’re doing and whether they still love you. This fixation can leave your baseline stress level pretty high.

Poor self-care

If you rely entirely on your partner for emotional support, you will miss out on discovering ways to offer that support to yourself.

It’s not realistic to expect another person to meet all your needs all the time. It’s important to have a few coping tools you know you can rely on when others aren’t available.

If you have noticed your emotional dependence in your relationship, you can take action to address this pattern.

These tips can help you better identify and meet your own emotional needs. Of course, it’s absolutely fine and healthy to lean on others as needed, but it’s important to know how to show up for yourself, too.

Get more comfortable with your emotions

The first step toward meeting emotional needs involves learning to acknowledge your emotions as you experience them.

Instead of hiding from less-than-ideal feelings or relying on someone to make them go away, get in touch with your sense of curiosity instead. Ask yourself what they’re telling you.

To learn more about yourself and your emotions, try:

Explore your triggers

You might notice certain things trigger emotionally dependent behaviors.

For example:

  • You catch yourself seeking reassurance most when dealing with outside sources of stress, like trouble at work or friendship drama.
  • When you make a mistake, your self-esteem drops, and you really depend on others’ approval to lift you back up.
  • You feel rejected and fear losing their love when they spend a lot of time with someone else.

Identifying specific triggers can help you explore coping methods, whether that’s talking with a friend about your feelings or using positive self-talk to remind yourself of your strengths and successes.

Talk with a therapist

When it comes to identifying and breaking patterns, working with a trusted therapist can have some major benefits.

A therapist can help you explore issues that may contribute to present relationship concerns, and navigate healthier strategies of getting emotional needs met.

In therapy, you can also work to resolve other issues that often tie into emotional dependence by:

  • developing greater self-compassion
  • increasing self-confidence and self-esteem
  • learning to recognize healthy relationships
  • learning to challenge and reframe negative thoughts

Having an emotionally dependent partner can be draining. You want to be there for them and offer support, but there’s only so much you can do

At the end of the day, you alone can’t fix the issue, but there are a few ways you can offer support while protecting your own emotional needs.

Set boundaries

Boundaries are necessary in all relationships. Without clearly defined boundaries, it becomes difficult (if not impossible) for anyone to get what they need.

Say your partner has a habit of calling you at work whenever they have a bad day. You want to support them, but this makes it tough to get your own work done, and you’re worried about what your boss will say.

Setting a boundary here can help. You might say, “I care about your problems, but I have to work, too. Instead of calling, please text instead. Then I can reply when I have a moment.”

Ask for what you need

You might worry that asking for what you need can make them feel as if you don’t care about what they need, but that shouldn’t be the case.

Both of you have valid needs, but you can’t completely fulfill these needs for each other.

You can encourage them by practicing (and promoting) healthy behaviors. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with communicating your needs when you do so with respect. I-statements are a great way to do this without expressing judgment or blame.

For example: “I need some time to myself right after work. After that, I’d love to spend time discussing our days.”

Seek support together

If your partner continues to be emotionally dependent, they might find individual therapy helpful. A couples therapist can also help.

Therapy provides a safe, judgment-free space where you can get on the same page about relationship needs, boundaries, and future goals.

Emotionally dependent behaviors develop over time, so you probably won’t improve them overnight. While it’s important to take steps to address emotional dependence, it’s also important to have patience and compassion— for yourself and your partner.