If you notice memory problems in a loved one, it’s important to gently bring up the topic at the right time and place. Encourage them to seek medical help while respecting their autonomy.
Memory problems are a natural part of aging. But dementia is more serious. With dementia, difficulties with memory and thinking are much more severe than they would be typically with age.
Observing these changes in a loved one can be challenging, especially if they don’t notice the changes themselves.
When you care for your loved one’s health and safety, you want them to receive the care they need. Here’s what you can do to help a loved one you think may have dementia.
This isn’t the same as talking about your loved one “behind their back.” It’s important to understand that your own experience of your loved one may not be representative of their full situation.
Seeking the input of others is invaluable. They can share if they’ve also noticed symptoms of dementia in your loved one, which might suggest a pattern.
Still, it’s important to consider your loved one’s privacy. Limit these conversations to people who are closest to your loved one.
Talking with others also allows you to determine who is the best person to talk with your loved one about their memory problems. Even if you are the person closest to them, is there someone else who is a trusted confidant who might have an easier time bringing up the topic in conversation?
It’s best to go into a conversation with a clear idea of what you want to say.
Consider having specific examples to share about moments that may have concerned you. It can help to keep a diary of these events for your own tracking purposes. However, avoid using it during the conversation as that can seem confrontational.
Before you initiate a conversation, the U.K.-based Alzheimer’s Society suggests considering the following questions:
- Have they mentioned having memory or cognitive problems?
- Do they see their memory challenges as a natural part of aging?
- What could be preventing them from seeking help for their memory problems?
- Might they be worried about what their symptoms could mean?
You’ll want to choose a time when neither you nor your loved one will feel rushed or be subject to interruptions. It can also help to choose a time of day when you’re both alert, rested, and not managing heightened emotions.
It’s also best to choose a place that’s private and where your loved one feels comfortable.
You can start the conversation by asking them if they’ve noticed any changes or feel different lately. Be gentle in your approach and reassure them that your goal is to offer them the support they need.
Tips for talking about dementia with a loved one
- Use “I” statements: For example, instead of saying “You’ve been forgetting to turn off the stove a lot recently,” you could say, “I notice you’ve been forgetting to turn off the stove a lot recently. I was wondering if you’ve noticed that too.”
- Choose your words carefully: Avoid using the word “dementia.” Instead, focus on the changes you’ve observed and talk about what you might need to do to address them.
- Reinforce your role as a source of support: Frame the conversation as a way to find out how friends and family can help through potential challenges.
- Listen attentively: Ensure your loved one feels they have an equal opportunity to be heard in the conversation. Listening to their thoughts and reactions may also shape how you further the conversation. You may have to adapt your plan if you receive unexpected responses.
If you think your loved one has dementia, a key desired outcome of your conversation with them should be an appointment with a doctor or a geriatrician.
You can explain that the earlier they seek help for any problems, the quicker they can diagnose the problem and get the help they need.
Still, it can be helpful not to center this request around a potential dementia diagnosis. There could be
Consider offering to go with them to the appointment. This may ease some of their fear about seeing a doctor.
It’s not unusual for people with dementia not to acknowledge that they’re having cognitive challenges. In some cases, they may deny that changes are occurring. In other cases, they may not be aware of the challenges because of how the condition has already affected them.
This could mean they are unwilling to accept help, leading to a delay in diagnosis and treatment.
Sometimes, giving a person more time to come to terms with the changes they’re experiencing can be helpful. However, you may also be concerned for their safety, such as if they continue to drive, mishandle their medication, or make errors in the kitchen.
You might consider discussing your concerns directly with your loved one’s doctor. Although you don’t have to, it’s best to get your loved one’s permission first.
You can say, “Is it OK if I talk with your doctor about the changes I’ve been noticing? They might be able to share ways I can help.” This can open the channels of communication with a healthcare professional and possibly facilitate future discussions between your loved one and their doctor.
However, note that it’s up to the doctor whether or not they choose to bring up the topic with your loved one.
Don’t ignore your own mental health
When you direct so much of your focus and energy to a loved one who might have dementia, it can be easy to ignore your own mental health. This can be especially challenging if the situation creates conflict or strong emotions.
Be sure to prioritize your own mental health throughout the process and in the future if you evolve into a caregiver for a loved one with dementia. You’re ultimately more helpful to them if you’re at your best.
If you notice symptoms of dementia in a loved one, it’s important to encourage them to seek medical help. The longer they wait, the more memory and cognitive problems may affect their life and put their safety at risk.
Still, it’s important to approach the situation with care. Talk with others who are close to your loved one to see if they’ve noticed the same symptoms. Plan on how and when to bring up the topic with your loved one and gently encourage them to seek a doctor’s help.
If they’re unwilling to seek help, you might be able to talk with their doctor on your own. However, it’s up to the doctor whether they choose to follow up with your loved one.